Now, I may be revealing a bit too much about myself by commenting on eHarmony. But they have some things going right for them and their clientele. One being the question, “What are three of your best life skills?” The question yanks our narrow hyper focus from “what do I want?” to “what do I bring to the table?”
Responsibility is carefully woven into this question. As I was pondering gratitude and contentment this morning, my thoughts moved swiftly from those tangible objects for which I’m grateful (and this includes people) to a sense that I have something to offer the world around me and that I am solely responsible for the sharing.
“Do you remember that girl from high school?” I asked a friend this morning.
“Of course- check her out on my FB friends list,” he retorted.
I did, and sent her a message of thanks. Because, whenever I think of a confident woman, I remember her. She once shared with me that she’d taken self-assertiveness class and that it taught her to be sure of herself and what she had to offer people. It showed, and I’ve never forgotten her example. She unabashedly shared her creativity through her avant-garde wardrobe and wildly changing hairstyles, and the look of self-ease in her eyes was unbeatable.
Moving in and out among people is something we do on a daily basis. Crowds on the sidewalk, a meeting room full of co workers, the line at the restaurant, those people we see at home if we’re really lucky. Many speeches have been made reminding us not to be so self-focused that we don’t even notice passers-by. I think many of us are moving past the “not-noticing.” We look at faces, we observe, we imagine what it might be like to know that stranger. But what I want to say today is that, instead of looking around for someone who has something to offer us, it is good to be self-focused enough to contemplate what we have to offer those in our midst. This is life-giving, depression-busting, and a great way to overcome insecurities so many of us are plagued with.
So, what are your three best life skills? Making people laugh? Helping around the house? Managing finances? Making art to inspire? Write them down. Keep them on your desktop. Remember what you have to offer. Imbue your holiday gift-giving with gifts of yourself, your time, your attention and your love. We will all be richer for it.
So, do tell me: What *are* your three best life skills?
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Thursday, October 29, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Top Five Reasons to Live in Community
Top Five Reasons to Live in Community
Are you living in community today? Something odd is happening to me lately. Everywhere I turn, and in everything I read, I hear more about “community.” On this growing-up path since my painfully shy childhood, I’m reminded repeatedly to check my sense of the word.
Though I’ve always yearned to be a thread in the tight-knit fabric of friends and family in life, that expansive closeness has always evaded me. Not to slight my dearest friends (and you three know who you are) or my family (and beyond my fabulous daughters this group is oddly less defined), let me clarify what I mean by tight-knit fabric. I mean not just yards and yards, but miles and miles of beautifully-patterned fabric spread not only throughout my soul and life but that reaches across the U.S and to other countries as well and involves at least fifty very dear friends.
My heart simply hungers for deeply forged friendships in many corners of the world, and warming the remotest parts of my spirit; friends who not only know my middle name, e-address and Twitter i.d., but also ponder my whereabouts at least once a month as I do theirs, questioning when we might have the pleasure of embrace or hearing the soothing sound of one another’s voices. The bottom line is this: that I’ve made such an impact on their hearts that I become woven into their lives, and vice versa.
The difficult truth is that a shy (oh and let’s face it- insecure) little girl has a very trying time making an impact on anyone since she tries everything to maintain invisibility and not bother anyone with the sound of her voice. Certainly my forty-two years have removed me from little-girl status and yanked me from the utter solitude of shyness, but I never lose the sense that I’m light-years behind the average adult in being able to impact others’ lives and forge deep and lasting friendships. Is this truer of me than any other person? Do we all experience this hunger-and-doubt scenario? Regardless of how wide-spread (or not) the sensation, I propose humans thrive best in close-knit community.
Top five reasons why I believe living in community is so important:
1. There’s safety in numbers
2. There’s perspective in numbers
3. There’s bigger love in numbers
4. More people can build a bigger fire
5. There’s identity in numbers
1. There’s safety in numbers: Community can help us stay alive.
Having worked with refugees from many parts of the world, I’ve had reality checks as to my true priorities. Staying alive must not be overlooked as one of them. I’ve often thought, when threats of H1N1 and economic collapse arise, that I’d do best to surround myself with my refugee friends as they know survival. I’ve heard many stories of their survival, and seen first-hand the loving, protective nature of their communities. Consider the Lost Boys of Sudan, many of whom who survived by literally running together through terrorizing and deadly circumstances. From small children to early teens, many survived by sticking together, looking after one another, even carrying one another through alligator-infested waters. The morbid details are unnecessary to making the point that refugees, people who’ve faced terrific tragedy, know how to stick together to survive the most unbelievable circumstances.
2. There’s perspective in numbers: Community helps us avoid painful extremes and mistakes.
Depending on how tenacious and independent you are, of course. The more people you’re close to, the more access you have to a large collection of personal stories- lessons of downfall and success. We look to those with whom we’re close for our stories, those lessons that help us avoid making some of the same mistakes. Isn’t it when we take off on an adventure without the blessing of anyone that we can really lose our way? Certainly we don’t have to have everyone’s agreement to succeed, but I propose that when all our people are strangely silent, or we’ve run from their critique, is territory ripe for expensive mistakes. At my age, I’m no longer interested in gathering mistakes from which to learn; I’m into maximizing the time I have left for success.
3. There’s bigger love in numbers:
Community surrounds you with love. Recently I found myself keeping the company of one person a bit too much of the time. When that person hit a rough patch, my feelings followed. Thankfully I had the sense to head to a group gathering at my church, where the importance of community is somewhat of a mandate we are pleased to pursue. My tears were met with strong arms, sweet concern, love, and a better perspective. For me, this often occurs in my church home. For others, this may be a social group, amidst workplace friends, or at the gym. The point is that a bigger group of friends is more apt to provide you with a consistent blanket of love, while at the same time more capable of consistently receiving your love than when it is only focused on one or two people in your life.
4. More people can build a bigger fire.
OK so I’m out of my rhythm here, but it’s a great word picture. Simply put, communities have more resources to offer one another. Think of those communities who use a common wood-fired oven in the center of their village. I’d love to meet my neighbors every night as I prepared my dinner over a bigger, better oven than I could have in my own home. Ever been out of commission for a week due to illness or surgery? Lost a job? Had a baby? Communities like my church group are quick to pull together to fill in for a person in need. This should not be taken lightly, as it is, of course, reciprocal. We often forget that, leaving a group of consistent servants to carry the load. I’ve received meals, home visits, a little extra cash, job leads, a borrowed car, a ride to the airport, a visit from friend of a friend in another state when I was hospitalized. What have you received from your community when you most needed it? What have you offered others? I venture to add that when you’re most down in the mouth, the quickest way to find joy is to help someone else in need.
5. There’s identity in numbers.
No, we don’t all need to be the same person. In fact, I suggest that community is more like a human body than a group of all the same parts. One person is the hands, one the eyes, one the ears, and so on. But another crucial part of community is that they remind you of who you are when you forget. One of my favorite quotes says something like this: “A friend is the person who knows the song of my heart and sings it to me when I forget.” How beautiful is that? How often do we become jaded or depressed by life and forget our own song, our uniqueness, our successes, our path? Community of family and friends will surround us and remind us, over time, how valuable we are as a unique but imperative part of our world. When others surround us, we remember that we don’t have to be everything, do everything; we just fit in like a puzzle piece with others and help create a more beautiful whole.
What can you do to strengthen your sense of community today? If yours is strong and vibrant, I applaud you. But if you’re like me, it will be a work of love. Reach past yourself today and enjoy the results. Where will you start? Share
Are you living in community today? Something odd is happening to me lately. Everywhere I turn, and in everything I read, I hear more about “community.” On this growing-up path since my painfully shy childhood, I’m reminded repeatedly to check my sense of the word.
Though I’ve always yearned to be a thread in the tight-knit fabric of friends and family in life, that expansive closeness has always evaded me. Not to slight my dearest friends (and you three know who you are) or my family (and beyond my fabulous daughters this group is oddly less defined), let me clarify what I mean by tight-knit fabric. I mean not just yards and yards, but miles and miles of beautifully-patterned fabric spread not only throughout my soul and life but that reaches across the U.S and to other countries as well and involves at least fifty very dear friends.
My heart simply hungers for deeply forged friendships in many corners of the world, and warming the remotest parts of my spirit; friends who not only know my middle name, e-address and Twitter i.d., but also ponder my whereabouts at least once a month as I do theirs, questioning when we might have the pleasure of embrace or hearing the soothing sound of one another’s voices. The bottom line is this: that I’ve made such an impact on their hearts that I become woven into their lives, and vice versa.
The difficult truth is that a shy (oh and let’s face it- insecure) little girl has a very trying time making an impact on anyone since she tries everything to maintain invisibility and not bother anyone with the sound of her voice. Certainly my forty-two years have removed me from little-girl status and yanked me from the utter solitude of shyness, but I never lose the sense that I’m light-years behind the average adult in being able to impact others’ lives and forge deep and lasting friendships. Is this truer of me than any other person? Do we all experience this hunger-and-doubt scenario? Regardless of how wide-spread (or not) the sensation, I propose humans thrive best in close-knit community.
Top five reasons why I believe living in community is so important:
1. There’s safety in numbers
2. There’s perspective in numbers
3. There’s bigger love in numbers
4. More people can build a bigger fire
5. There’s identity in numbers
1. There’s safety in numbers: Community can help us stay alive.
Having worked with refugees from many parts of the world, I’ve had reality checks as to my true priorities. Staying alive must not be overlooked as one of them. I’ve often thought, when threats of H1N1 and economic collapse arise, that I’d do best to surround myself with my refugee friends as they know survival. I’ve heard many stories of their survival, and seen first-hand the loving, protective nature of their communities. Consider the Lost Boys of Sudan, many of whom who survived by literally running together through terrorizing and deadly circumstances. From small children to early teens, many survived by sticking together, looking after one another, even carrying one another through alligator-infested waters. The morbid details are unnecessary to making the point that refugees, people who’ve faced terrific tragedy, know how to stick together to survive the most unbelievable circumstances.
2. There’s perspective in numbers: Community helps us avoid painful extremes and mistakes.
Depending on how tenacious and independent you are, of course. The more people you’re close to, the more access you have to a large collection of personal stories- lessons of downfall and success. We look to those with whom we’re close for our stories, those lessons that help us avoid making some of the same mistakes. Isn’t it when we take off on an adventure without the blessing of anyone that we can really lose our way? Certainly we don’t have to have everyone’s agreement to succeed, but I propose that when all our people are strangely silent, or we’ve run from their critique, is territory ripe for expensive mistakes. At my age, I’m no longer interested in gathering mistakes from which to learn; I’m into maximizing the time I have left for success.
3. There’s bigger love in numbers:
Community surrounds you with love. Recently I found myself keeping the company of one person a bit too much of the time. When that person hit a rough patch, my feelings followed. Thankfully I had the sense to head to a group gathering at my church, where the importance of community is somewhat of a mandate we are pleased to pursue. My tears were met with strong arms, sweet concern, love, and a better perspective. For me, this often occurs in my church home. For others, this may be a social group, amidst workplace friends, or at the gym. The point is that a bigger group of friends is more apt to provide you with a consistent blanket of love, while at the same time more capable of consistently receiving your love than when it is only focused on one or two people in your life.
4. More people can build a bigger fire.
OK so I’m out of my rhythm here, but it’s a great word picture. Simply put, communities have more resources to offer one another. Think of those communities who use a common wood-fired oven in the center of their village. I’d love to meet my neighbors every night as I prepared my dinner over a bigger, better oven than I could have in my own home. Ever been out of commission for a week due to illness or surgery? Lost a job? Had a baby? Communities like my church group are quick to pull together to fill in for a person in need. This should not be taken lightly, as it is, of course, reciprocal. We often forget that, leaving a group of consistent servants to carry the load. I’ve received meals, home visits, a little extra cash, job leads, a borrowed car, a ride to the airport, a visit from friend of a friend in another state when I was hospitalized. What have you received from your community when you most needed it? What have you offered others? I venture to add that when you’re most down in the mouth, the quickest way to find joy is to help someone else in need.
5. There’s identity in numbers.
No, we don’t all need to be the same person. In fact, I suggest that community is more like a human body than a group of all the same parts. One person is the hands, one the eyes, one the ears, and so on. But another crucial part of community is that they remind you of who you are when you forget. One of my favorite quotes says something like this: “A friend is the person who knows the song of my heart and sings it to me when I forget.” How beautiful is that? How often do we become jaded or depressed by life and forget our own song, our uniqueness, our successes, our path? Community of family and friends will surround us and remind us, over time, how valuable we are as a unique but imperative part of our world. When others surround us, we remember that we don’t have to be everything, do everything; we just fit in like a puzzle piece with others and help create a more beautiful whole.
What can you do to strengthen your sense of community today? If yours is strong and vibrant, I applaud you. But if you’re like me, it will be a work of love. Reach past yourself today and enjoy the results. Where will you start? Share
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